Glossary

Sometimes we use big words here at Punch-Drunk Wolves. Or made up words. Or big, made up words. Or acronyms. Or big, made up acronyms. Or ALL CAPS. Or unusual punctuation. If you’ve been reading for a while, you probably know some of the terms that follow. We’ll fill them in as we go, or as we make up new ones. If you have a glossary suggestion, submit it to us at punchdrunkwolves@gmail.com

(!) – Exclamation point in parentheses usually indicates sarcasm or amusement. Sometimes it indicates disbelief. “It turns out that the Warriors turned down a James Harden for Klay Thompson trade offer (!)”

Arthritic Condition – A favorite Denzel Washington quote from He Got Game, in which he pulls up his pant leg WHILST trying on a pair of Air Jordans only to reveal that he’s wearing a LOJACK. Denzel tells the knowing shoe salesman that the LOJACK is for his “arthritis.” To which the shoe salesman replies, “My brother has the same arthritic condition.” We use arthritic condition to refer to any weakness a play might have. For example, in a post I wrote about the Kevin Martin acquisition, I threw in the following: “I’m obviously wary of K-Mart’s various advanced age-induced arthritic conditions and his overall fragility and his (four-year(!)) contract and his 28-million dollars we owe him. We’ll enjoy watching Rubio and K-Mart for a while, but before long we’ll be crossing our fingers  that another team will view him as tradebait once we’re clamoring to get rid of him–which is likely to be right around the time Adelman leaves, probably after this season or next.” Use “arthritic condition” liberally. It is a fun, relatively unoffensive, non-sequitur that can be attached to many real-world basketball injury concerns.

Bayno/Sikma 2012 – Blog tagline created in the run-up to the 2012 U.S. elections. Punch-Drunk Wolves endorsed a ticket of Bill Bayno for president, with Jack Sikma as his vice. Sometimes used randomly as a hashtag on Twitter, e.g., “Bill Bayno will be missed when he leaves for Toronto. #Bayno/Sikma2013”

Derricking – Making 1 out of 2 free throws in a trip to the line. Named in honor of former Timberwolf Derrick Williams (h/t @brianjacobson), e.g., “Shit. Shabazz just  Derrick’d a pair AGAIN!”

Every Call is a Sales Call – Famous Boiler Room quote (see 1:57 here). Every interaction is a win or a loss. “Ricky Rubio’s ridiculous defensive effort during the wrong side of a blowout loss reminds that every call is a sales call(!)”

Fcked Around and Got a Triple-Double – From the legendary Ice Cube track “It Was A Good Day” on his epic rap album THE PREDATOR. Generally used anytime a player gets a triple-double or comes anywhere close, because it’s fun to say. You will hear variants of this a lot: “Rubio was great. He fcked around and got a triple-double. Ice Cube would’ve been proud. Punch-Drunk Wolves sure was.” An extended example is here.

His Self – Common grammatical error made by NBA players. We think it sounds cooler than “himself” and often use it in posts.

Kahn—–(fill in the blank) – We were far from the first to use these. They’re too easy. Kahntract. Kahntrary. Kahnversation. You get the idea. This isn’t rocket science. You may not even think it’s funny. To each their own.

Kyrie Lee – This just means Kyrie Irving, but it’s a comparison to the legendary Kyle Lee Watson from Above the Rim. Irving and Watson are the two greatest ball-handlers of the modern era.

Nude Boozer – A nickname for Hawks coach Mike Budenholzer. “Nude Boozer” is Andy G’s iPhone autocorrect for “Budenholzer.”

NUMB#RS – What Kevin Love gets. Began as a Wolves marketing campaign touting Love for the All-Star game when the team’s record was terrible. The promo video had lots of “production value” (pun intended). Example usage: “Kevin Love puts up huge NUMB#RS, but will he ever be the man on a 30-win team?”

Quazillion – Lot$ of money, usually in reference to a Wolves “Kahntract” (see above).  Example usage: “I guess I’d go with Martin (as Wolves Most Disappointing Player, 2013/14),  just because we signed him for a quazillion dollars and he came and did exactly what we should have expected.” (h/t AverageJer).

Show of Hands – A query of whether some decision(s) or action(s) was(were) correct or appropriate. First patented by David Kahn here (6:50).

Stanky-Leg Offense – Applies to any team trying to run a broken offensive system. Most applicable to Mike Brown-coached teams, but also applicable to Kurt Rambis’ feeble attempts to force Phil Jackson’s triangle offense on Wolves squads ill-equipped to run it during Rambis’ 2009-2011 tenure in ‘Sota. Urban Dictionary definition here. Mike Brown example below:

Tyreke Evans Workout – Shorthand for “a seemingly outstanding workout, usually against sub-par or physically overmatched competition” that leads to David Kahn wanting to drafting that player with a lottery pick or to sign him to a kahntract. Could also be called “Jonny Flynn Workout.” See here. It’s as if Kahn himself posted it to RealGM.com’s message boards.” According to this recent Jonathan Abrams story, Ricky Buckets was just one Tyreke Evans Workout away from being a Twolf…THIS SEASON(!)” (There you saw a combination.)

#winningtime – The last few minutes of a game. In ROGER DODGER, Roger explains the concept to his teenage nephew (played by now-famous Jesse Eisenberg) in the context of closing the deal at bar close. He specifically attributes the term to Magic Johnson, but uses Michael Jordan to explain the point. “Why was Michael Jordan the greatest basketball player of all time?  Because he knew how to pace himself.” Since Reggie Miller’s 30 for 30 was named “Winning Time,” the term has become a little bit more mainstream.