Opening Night: What to expect

We’ve missed these guys.

[In case you forgot how this is done, a quick how-to, or “what to expect” in tonight’s return of regular season basketball on TNT.]

5:30 CST – Leave work, gym, wherever you are. Go home.

5:45 CST – Check fridge, freezer, ensure that there are ample amounts of necessary supplies.

6:00 CST – Grab laptop, flip on TV to NBA Tip-Off presented by, get comfortable.

6:01 CST – See that Shaquille O’Neal is still employed by TNT, feel momentarily upset.

6:02 CST – See that E.J., Kenny and Charles are still employed by TNT, feel less upset.

6:15 CST – Flip on the Wizards-Cavs game on League Pass Broadband. NBA is officially back.

6:17 CST – Be entertained by Kyrie Irving’s awesomeness. And who knows, maybe even Bradley Beal’s?

6:18 CST – Be entertained by JAN VESELY!

6:20 CST – Back to TNT. Shaq tells the world that Eddy Curry is the best center since…Shaq. A primer for the late game, I guess. Chuck has his head on the desk, looks like he might kill Shaq before night’s season’s end.

6:40 CST – Randy Wittman gets T’d up. It’s not going well for the ‘Zards. Who could’ve seen this coming?

6:59 CST – Get off couch, walk to fridge, grab another Surly.

7:00 CST – TNT cuts to Miami, where Eastern Conference Finals rematch is set to ensue. Cameras focus on Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo. Discussion focused on supposed former teammate rift and off of the fact that the best basketball player in the world is about to take the floor.

7:01 – 9:30 CST – Watch LeBron James play basketball, wonder how any team is going to beat Miami this year. The question itself requires a transition from Bender to Furious.

9:31 CST – Watch Dwight Howard in a Laker uniform. Watch Steve Nash in a Laker uniform.

9:35 CST – Dig through the fridge — is there any Abrasive hiding in there? No? How about some of that paint-thinner concoction that Joaquin was slurping down in The Master? [Seriously, anything to help with this Lakers-having-Nash & Howard thing.] No? Damn, back to the game.

10:30 CST – It’s halftime, Charles makes point that after Harden Trade, Lakers are favorite in the West. Shaq disagrees, says Mavs will contend (despite 35-point halftime deficit currently in place) because Zach Randolph is a true post player, unlike Dwight Howard. E.J. points out that Z-Bo plays for Memphis. Shaq stands by his point. Kenny is left out of discussion, even as camera pans to his “pictures” thing.

11:00 CST – As Laker lead stretches beyond 50, flip on the laptop and find that Wizards-Cavs is archived. Watch Kyrie Highlights and Jordan Crawford Lowlights to stay entertained until “Inside” comes on.

11:30 CST – Inside the NBA.

12:15 CST – Bedtime.

It’s good to be back.



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4 responses to “Opening Night: What to expect

  1. Grim Reaper

    What do you do for a living? And no wonder you’re still single. But it sounds like fun! I like the Shaq bit — too funny.

  2. Good stuff. My night will mirror yours, but swapping DC Brau ( for Surly products, which aren’t distributed out here.

    On your look into the crystal ball, you pretty much nailed it, except you forgot the inevitable moment when Shaq runs out of things to say about basketball and so says, “Do you want to see my ass?!” and then proceeds to say it a few more times in a threatening tone, or to strip down to his nasty underwear and dance around the studio. Kind of surprised you forgot to include that. But otherwise, this is how it’s goin’ down!

    • I didn’t forget about Shaq’s disgusting antics–I was just saving them from the reading audience, lest my Surly recommendation combine with that horrific imagery to cause Opening-Night vomiting. I guess it’s too late now, if they’re reading the comments section!